Growing up as an adolescent, I had many longing and desires as like many of my peers. These desires were basically worldly. Desires which the media have conditioned me to see them as vital for living the good life. The good life? Being young, I was easily brainwashed to what this good life was supposed to be. It was just lately that I realized that this good life means being self-centered and self-gratifying. But most of all, it meant putting God on the sidelines.

Striving for this false good life, I found myself frustrated. I was longing for material stuffs that I did not needed. I was aching to be in a romantic relationship which I had little idea about and even misunderstood. And I was striving for success blindly. I found myself frustrated because I prayed for these things to be granted by God. I sincerely prayed to God for these things thinking it would bring me happiness, or at least contentment. But God was a good and all knowing God for he did not grant me my desires. If God have granted me my prayers, I would have strayed away from him for sure. I know myself; I get easily distracted by the world. I thank the Lord that I was not given the desires that I could not have handled then; and maybe still now.

God answered my prayers with a big “NO”. A “NO” that was out of love. His denial of my false desires was the very same thing that preserved me from committing more grievous sins. God’s “NO” to me meant two things. First it meant that the things I was praying for would only make me worldlier, and not holy. He answered me with a “NO” to preserve our relationship with each other. I have already strayed away from him during these times. If he had given me my prayers, it might have jeopardized our relationship more. The second meant “NO”, you are not ready yet or it is not for you. This applies for my longing to be in a romantic relationship. Until now I have little clue to what my vocation is, am I to be single or be married. God never really gave me the kind of romantic relationship I was looking for. For years I have tried to be in a romantic relationship, and every time it failed. There was a point that I was examining myself what was wrong with me. Those were tough times filled with insecurities and loneliness. But again God acted in his infinite goodness by not granting my desires. Looking back, I did not really know what I was asking for. I had a misunderstanding about relationships then, and I must admit some of my intentions were not pure as well. Romantic relationship to me then was more on a fad. Most of my friends were in a relationship and I was the “odd man out”. Sacredness was not anywhere in my definition of a romantic relationship, premarital sex maybe somewhere there.

Reflecting now, I see that God’s silent response to my prayers was out of love. He did not give me what I desired for it would have made me more of a sinner than a repentant Christian. His “NO” preserved me from committing more sin. He also preserved me from more suffering. Not just physical or mental suffering, but most of spiritual suffering and confusion.

At this moment I am writing this, I am very much single and I have little material security. Believe it or not I am enjoying life. Little has change on the things around me. I still have the same problems of everyday survival, but I have changed. These days I find myself enjoying solitude and silence. The loud and crowded places I used to love hanging out has lost its glitter. I now enjoy a “peace” that only can be found in God.

I found hope in life again, knowing that God has always preserved me since the day I was born. And he will continue to do so till my last breathe. All he asks of me is to be obedient to his divine will. To have faith in Him and in His response to my prayers, weather it is a “YES”, “NO” or “WAIT”.

He is my savior.

I call Him Jesus.